Wow... you've really given me something to think about. In the last couple of years it's become obvious to me that I've always been depressed... but I'm not sure if it's all been because it is inherited or because of traumatic experiences in my life along with the way I was raised. I've always had Social Phobias because I've always felt that "I was less than." Somehow I managed to muddle through with one friend at a time but never dated boys from school. I lived in an Army town and dated GI's. After I divorced my first husband, I joined a divorced group... and if I remember right, I was accepted and wasn't afraid to be social within this group.

The pivotal point in my life came when my mother passed. Hardly three weeks had passed and my anxiety hit me full force with panic attacks that put me to bed. I'm not sure if this is where my PTSD came from because there was also a trauma in my life when I was three and then seven. But then... both my mother and grandmother, looking back, suffered from depression and anxiety. So... what's what? Was I destined to have these illnesses or was it the events in my life?

The anxiety certainly did change my life. I ceased to exist in many ways while I struggled to find my way out of the hole. I was in therapy for ten years where I learned to live my life differently. Depression and anxiety still haunt me and make life more difficult. I'm certainly not the same person I was before the anxiety hit. In some ways I'm very glad but in some ways, the stygma attached to mental illness influences my daily life, especially with members of my own family. Partially due to the age difference and partially due to what I perceive as their disapproval, I don't keep in touch with any of my extended family. For the most part, I'm fine with it but there are times when it gets pretty darn lonely. The only one of my four kids that I get along with really well is my baby, my youngest son... probably because he grew up in the therapist's office with me. lol However, I'm not sure that he understands the depression and anxiety all that well. I don't think he knows the signs that would signal to him that Mom is on a downward spiral... like now. Maybe it's his age (25) or maybe it's that he's got his hands full with his own family and doesn't have the time nor the inclination.

All in all, I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for the road I was put on to travel. It's really hard to say that I'm glad of it, especially right now (that downward spiral) but again, I sure wouldn't be the person I am today. My road has made me a better person. If I hadn't been diagnosed, I might still be going around in circles wondering "why me?"