((((Amandalouise)))) Thank you for this response. For me, it is just very triggering when we think anyone is suggesting that what happened was not real. That is a big part of how we were made. Our very reality was always questioned. For example, the trainer would slap us and then ask "Did that hurt?" If we said "Yes" we were called a liar. If we said "no" we were called a liar. They were always putting us into situations where nothing we thought was real was accepted as real. They would say things like "You didn't hurt because no one can touch YOU. But you did get hurt because your body feels pain."

What they were doing was acutually abusing very old Zen training methods. But a child is not a monk who is under leadership of a Zen master. A child is a child.

It takes a lot of work for us to even accept our own reality. And it took a lot of work with my T to be able to admit to myself that these things did happen. I would give everything I have for my reality to have been not what it is. I could accept my father having done all the bad stuff, because he is sick and I have accepted all of that. But for complete strangers to do what they did to me caused me to HATE the entire world. And that is not in line with my basic personality one bit. I love people. So a double bind was created inside of me. It robs me of friendships and healthy relationships because there is no way I can trust anyone at all to not intend harm to me.

Thank you again for your explaination.