Things are getting harder at different times for me. The problem is that my depression is interfering with everything. When in therapy, any attempts to find out things from my past are nearly impossible because no matter how hard I try, I can't remember many actual events. It's all pre-cognitive in a sense. This just forces me to deal with general coping skills, which aren't really working because my feelings of complete lack of value come from this pre-cognitive thing. I just keep coming back to the idea that my abuse must be neglect. I have a few memories of some incidents, but most of my stuff is just an emotion that I can only link to a time/age range and maybe a general place (school, home, etc...). It's like I didn't really exist if you know what I mean.

All of this of course affects me around others. I get really mad hearing about other people's problems at work including those who work for me and with me a lot. It takes all I can to fake concern/caring. On top of that, I constantly feel like my own manager and others are out to get me - set me up to show I am incompetent. I can fight this sometimes because I know the history is not there. I've done just fine at work before even when my depression was at its worst.

It might just be that today is a bad day and I'm in bad space. I'd take the day off from work, but I'm out of sick/vacation time due to a partial hospitalization. What's worse is my written self-appraisal is due today in preparation for my general job appraisal. I certainly don't feel like advocating for myself in writing.