Thank you for all the replies. It is a lot for members to read, and a lot to hold in my brain. It is so nice to have a way to let it all out and actually get responses. And the best part about this is that others understand how it is very challenging, and even more challenging with the PTSD. I think it is awful JD that the attorneys you deal with make it so hard on you, that is so incredibly cruel to someone who struggles with PTSD. And that is what I don't like about my own case.

What has been nice about coming to PC is that I learn where the PTSD is, well, not so much clouding my brain as just presenting such a sense of overwhelm where I find it extremely hard to push past the stages the brain goes through with the PTSD effects.
Oh, I just cant believe that this disorder is so hard, and that it exists. It takes a lot of work and understanding of it to regain a sense of direction or any well being at all. And it can be so embarassing and so misunderstood and I understand why people who have it feel so alone and isolate. It is more that it is hard enough for the person who has it to understand never mind trying to tell others how to please back off or give space or try to understand the struggle. And if someone who has it cant slow down and think through it, it just shuts the mind right down, then nothing can be done. I am trying to learn how to work through and find ways to control it. It can really be exhausting and I know had I not known what this PTSD is or even you to talk to me JD and say, ok that is the PTSD and try this etc. I would probably want to give up and you know what that feels like.

One thing I know is that I have to be very careful that I do not say or do things in the anger and frustration and emotional turmoil of PTSD that will cause further harm to me.
And that is why I haven't written the letter yet too, although as I said I did have a new deposition date that was postponed to today that is again cancelled and I don't have a new date. I am trying to make sure that I don't get caught up in that mind set as you mentioned JD where I feel this is some kind of personal attack. But I have been learning about how really crappy the system is which has really caught me off guard. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but I had not anticipated my own attorneys issues. And one of my constants in my life is that my path has been that percentile where something bad happens, out of the norm. For example, my colonoscopy was not easy at all, I suffered a spleen injury and wound up in ICU and in a situation where no one would tell me the truth because no one wanted to be sued, oh how awful that was. I get to see more and more how people don't want to be honest anymore and they go to great lengths to cover up lies and mistakes and in so doing leave the patient or in this case the client in such confusion. And as I try to approach different situations it is almost as if I don't assume the worst, the worst happens. And PTSD or no, things actually do happen that really surprise me and completely catch me off guard. And it really has nothing to do with catrophizing because it is really bad. And it isn't just that I am a person that has that mark that says abuse me, it is real mistakes and its not that I stick out as a good candidate for abuse. So I can't just assume that it is my fault or I am the victim type, I have to look beyond that, and I do try to do that. However at this point, I realize that this situation has served to truely aggrivate the PTSD. And that is what has really troubled me. But the fact that I can come here and be grounded with responses that keep me in check with reality, that has kept me sane. And to read a reply that says to me, yes that lawyer is a jerk and this happens and your right he is covering up or whatever, has helped me understand that I am actually experiencing something is not right and I am not being swept away by the PTSD etc. Because I do see it, and as I said others don't catch it and when that happens it really makes me worse.

I definitely have some thinking to do.

Open Eyes