i feel like a little bit of everything is coming back to haunt me. I've always been paranoid all my life, but monday i got really paranoid and started to become delusional. I thought everything around me had a camera in it, people were out to get me and that if id cut my arm open and smear blood on the window that god would come and save me and bring me to another world (not heaven). So i couldnt get to sleep until like2:30-3am?? around there. I'm becoming very much terrified of the dark so i slept with four flashlights and three lights on in my room. Yesterday, (tuesday) i had became delusional again, thinking that my dolls on my shelf were staring at me and going to eventually kill me. So i threw objects at them and they fell off the shelf. I then thought my street light had someone in it and they were spying on me. This went on pretty much all night, and when 1:30am came by, i got one of the worse its ever been for me. I locked myself in my room and turned on the room light and started rocking back and forth while sitting on the floor. I couldnt handle it at all, so then my mom had fallen asleep on the couch and woke up and ran to my room which i dont know why, so my door was locked and she knocked on my door banging, and screaming at me to unlock my door because my sister was in there too, but sleeping. I said in a minute because i 'had a problem'. She kept cursing at me, screaming and demanding me to unlock the door. I was afraid she or somebody else was going to come inside and kill me so i wouldnt open it. She then went to the bathroom and i started hysterically crying because i was petrified of what my thoughts were. She came back like a minute later and tried opening it and it was locked, so she started screaming her head off at me. I then unlocked the door and she ran in screaming at me like i never seen her act before. She started cursing me off, telling me how stupid i am, and that im never going to get any better. So we started to fight alot. She went to go hit me and she took her hand and jammed me in my throat, i think by accident. She didnt apologize though. So, then i went to go protect myself because i didnt want to get hurt/hit and i pushed my hands out so she wouldnt touch me and i pushed her by mistake into my book shelf, now she has a bruise on her arm. She then started yelling, screaming, cursing...etc. She said she didnt do anything wrong and stuff like that. So she started crying and cursing towards me saying stuff like, your never going to get better, you belong in a psych ward, your prob. doing drugs because you cant sleep at all, and i was prob. talking to some lesbian in my room. heh. i wasnt doing any of those things. So, i saw my dolls on the shelf again and got really paranoid even more and threw my pillow at them, then she went to bed. I got up and got a razor from the bathroom because i thought that if i carved the word: "Help" in my arm, god would come down and save me and help me and i would be a totally different person from then on. So i cut the word in my arm, and nothing happened. Six months down the drain....... :[

I'm starting not to eat again as much, and im thinking about throwing up again after i eat. I'm gaining weight again and do NOT like it. Part of me tells me, i only weigh about 108 pounds, and the other tells me im going too gain more weight if i dont stop eating and ill be a whale. I dont want to go back to that habit, but i do. heh.

anxiety has taken over me too, school is horrible academically but i love it socially, etc. I'm having panic attacks sometimes and anxiety attacks, w/e. Its an overload on my shoulders. Its not helping to do anything for me.

im becoming severely depressed again, where now i keep wanting to cut myself and listen to depressive music. :[ I havent been this depressed in a long time, and its coming back now.

I'm hallucinating again, only audio hallucations though, sometimes quickly ill see something, but not often. Its scaring me alot like you wouldnt believe.

ADD/ADHD is controlling me. i feel like school is the hardest thing ive ever delt with in my life. :[ my IEP has said that basically i should be in a middle school/elementary school grade level. I know for a fact i should too, its just how im learning i guess. I feel like crapp.

I'm becoming slightly manic every once in a while, which is not a bad thing. lol. But i'm very impulsive/make stupid descions when i am. So i dont know whats in store for that now.

My anger is more controlled now, but is still there/coming back. I just hope im more controlled for the future and i dont mess anything up horribly.

I'm pretty much sure im allergic to my medications: Tegretol, and Trilafon. Whenever i go into water, i get a severe rash all over my body that somewhat itches. My urine is darker then it usually is, and i have pains in my kidney areas. not good.

I've been taking Benedryl everyday at school for the last two weeks, and falling asleep in class and getting in trouble, i really dont feel like going to the ER though during school.

I havent been sleeping either, i talked to my school therapist today and she said i have severe insomnia. I usually go to bed after 1:30-2am. Then get up around 6am. which is no good since i have a day ahead of me to work at.

i feel like i have a little bit of everything. :[ i just want to crawl up in a whole and just stay there forever.

boo.