My problem right now with this BPD has been relationships. I'm so indecisive. I'm married, but I have left him twice since 2007. He is a wonderful man who has stood by me and my problems. I was diagnosed with BPD the beginning of this year and have been in DBT since March of this year. When I left him last October I got an apartment convinced it was the right thing to do, thinking I wasn't in love with him anymore. I got involved with someone I knew from high school while we were seperated and than convinced I was in love with him.

I went back to my husband (who knew of this relationship and took me back anyway) in June convinced I was in love with him and the marriage will work out. Then the 'feelings' changed and I told him last week that I couldn't love him the way he deserved and didn't think we would work out. It has crushed him and I feel so guilty. I have had doubts about our marriage almost since we got married in 2004.

So the past week had been UNBEARABLE, crying, anxiety, he wouldn't even look at me.

As a side note I lost my job in September so now I'm scared out of my mind about getting a job, taking care of myself, money, losing my home, losing my husband forever....but than I have these intense doubts. I have doubts about everything. I think it may be part of the BPD where you don't have a strong sense of self, therefore don't know what is the right thing to do. I am in so much pain over this.

I have made alot of poor decisions ever since 2009 when my mom died--I watched her die and was told could have had some post traumatic stress. Since than for the first time in my life I have had extreme relationship problems with everyone from my father, sister, friends, colleagues.....I've repaired the majority of those relationships, I think. (?) I am making myself sick over it, I can't eat, lost like 10 lbs in 2 weeks, and am getting a cold now so I feel even worse. I know you all know the intense feelings we experience and I have been trying to at least regulate them so I can at least eat.

The emotion regulation didn't work, I broke down and cried to him, telling him I'll find a new doctor and can we go to marriage counseling. I'm so tired of myself, my not being able to love him the way he deserves, so scared of losing him, sooooo many fears......

Does anyone have indesiveness when it comes to relationships?

Thank you for listening.