It took me a while to actually find a therapist in my area that treats PTSD. And how I actually found him was through someone that my husband knows that works in a high area of psychology. And my husband had discussed with this person my bad experience in the psychward with the attending psychiatrist. Now, on the QT this person knew who this psychiatrist is and that he is not a good psychiatrist and I was in fact not treated correctly. Now, JD, hoops?, well finally I get the support for the truth that I had been trying to tell my husband and even the outpatient psychiatrist who would not change my records or even write in that he felt that the psyciatrist in the psychward was not correct or he felt different. It was so carefully worded, not for my benefit, but in a way to not create any liability. And after my final visit where I was trying to correct my records that psychiatrist looked me straight in the eyes and confirmed that I was in fact a very misunderstood person. I had all my records with me, even the appraisel for the horse, and it didn't do any good on paper.

The reality is, when a mistake is made now, it is almost impossible to get it corrected because of the liability issues now. And it has nothing to do with mind reading, and everything to do with learning a reality that really isn't fair. It is a reality that is controled by insurance companies that are making it harder and harder for anyone to present a claim. And the reality is, that this is the system now, everywhere and the truth is just hidden, it can't really come out, because it creates liability.

I have fallen into the hole like in Alice in Wonderland, but the reality is, even though I feel tall or small or confused. I am not mind reading or truely catastrophizing, I seeing the reality of all the road blocks that have been put in place to protect insurance companies from liabilty. And I do look for the truth, I finally hear it, but no one will come forward with it in any real way.

And even my new therapist that I finally found, in the third visit scheduled and appointment with me and it was a morning appointment, all he had open and I had said it would be hard for me but I did'nt want to miss an appointment. So I busted my hump to change my medication and make sure that I got up early and made that appointment and he forgot to write it in his book and I sat and waited for 20 minutes and finally knocked on his door and he was in with someone else and told me he never scheduled me that it must be my fault.

So I was really angry, I made an extra effort to make this appointment and arrange my whole day to get to him but he forgot to write me down. I had to wait until I sat in front of him and I called him on it. I basically told him that if he couldn't speak the truth he was not going to help me ever. So he realized what I was saying and he finally admitted that it was his error and what he did to me was not fair. So, there was no mind reading or catastrophizing there. And wether that was beneficial to me or not, I don't know because my own therapist did it, that blame it on me thing. So, he sees the reality, and he is careful now, but he still did it, he still played that game. So I had to call him on it and thankfully he saw he did hurt me and it was wrong. I suppose I should be grateful for that in some way, because he could have just been added to an already mindboggling list that I could have never or never did mind read into.

JD, it isn't just me, I am not mind reading, things I experienced were real and yes I had to jump through hoops to get to the truth. The reality is it is getting harder and harder to just get to the truth today in this world. It has become so acceptable to mind game now, that one has to really think differently. And yes, I do have PTSD and I struggle but I don't imagine, however, I have been through a lot. And what I have been through is real, I didn't imagine it, I couldn't have possibly imagined it. So, I am working more towards trying to learn how to accept this strange way things work now, and it isn't about the truth anymore. And much of my battle is learning how to identify different hoops and learn how to recognize they are there, even I feel is unfair, which it is, and I have to remain calm. I have to think very differently and I basically am an honest person and what is, is for me, but the outside world isn't that simple anymore. I am having a hard time accepting that. I don't know how to be a mind reader and say, ok, here is the truth, and here is what is going to be twisted and how it is run that way and how I have to be prepared for that everywhere I proceed now. And that is what gets me, I don't actually think like that, I have to learn to think out of the box like that.

And the things that you have faced as you talk about learning the system, well that is the way it is. I don't know that, I am learning it the hard way, and I am not mind reading, or catastrophizing it, but it is upsetting and mind boggeling as you admit yourself.

I guess that at least I can come to PC and have someone like the Byz say, hey Open Eyes your right, your not being handled right. And with the PTSD I have I actually need to hear that so I don't get worse JD. What I see is that if I can't find the reality and a base, I will get worse, I will suffer to the point where I will catastrophize. And that is why I spend time and let things out here because I am really trying to save my sanity. I am supposed to be smart, but I have to learn how these new lies or hoops work and look at things differently even though I feel it is wrong. There is a lot of wrong going on now, and it is mind boggling.

Open Eyes