When you say she likes to be left alone when upset, but you like to talk things out, I think your best bet is to just leave her alone so she can calm down and gather her thoughts.

When I was married I had the same problem with my husband. I was the quiet one & he liked to hash things out immediately. Sometimes I just needed to be left alone so I could cool down & think things through before getting even more upset & making things worse.

I realize you want to talk & work things out asap when something goes wrong, but when dealing with someone who prefers to keep quiet for a while, you either deal with it or find someone more like yourself. It's hard, but the truth.

I also think if you step away & leave her be before trying to talk to her, you might find that a particular situation really isn't worth even arguing over. Stepping back for a minute will also give you time to gather your thoughts more effectively before possibly saying something which could make things worse.

My ex husband never stepped back from me & would usually force the issue with me which made me extremely angry most of the time. He did not respect my needs or boundaries. He simply didn't understand me.

Understanding one's needs and how they work is key in relationships, obviously.