Sorry I haven't been around in a while. There's just not enough time for me to do everything I want to. I've realized I need to give up the contests I've been entering, among other things, even though they save me a little money here and there when I win.

I need to talk about some things, so I'm here to do that, and to let everyone know I'm still around and what's up. I do intend to get back here more regularly when I get some things sorted out.

My mom wants me to go with her to plan funeral arrangements. We finally arranged a day, tomorrow. I'd have liked more than one day's notice. This is a big OCD problem for me, because the place is "dirty" to me and I'll have to go through a lot of washing and rituals, plus just having to be dirty for a while is stressful. Of course, planning one's own funeral isn't easy, either. The thing is, I don't want to be buried here. I want to move to California, and when I die, be buried there. My mom makes me feel guilty.

We're planning my mom's and my funerals, I should say. She's upset, thinking about it, and I understand that. It upsets me, because there's nothing I can do to make her feel better, really. She is going to die sometime. So am I, and I've gotten panicky thinking about it over the years.

My boyfriend will be going with us--he's my transportation--and he's offered to go with my mom so I don't have to go through the washing and OCD stuff, but I know my mom doesn't want to do this without me. My boyfriend doesn't understand certain familial connections and the way guilt controls some of us, because he doesn't have so much of that in his family. He doesn't think it's a big deal to not do anything for Mother's Day or Father's Day. Anyway, I wish I could let him go without me.

I've realized I'm a bad person, and I'm trying to accept it. I don't mean everything I do is bad, and I never consider other people, but sometimes I have to do things to protect myself, and keep me from feeling "trapped," which not everyone understands, and thinks I'm a bad person or a bad daughter or whatever. I have to do things for me, sometimes. And others don't think I do enough to fight my OCD, but I'm doing what I can. I'm not going to try to cure or fix myself as others want me to, and I don't care what they think anymore. I just need to be left alone. Most people don't understand OCD and expect me to just do stuff I can't. They don't understand the mental, emotional and physical stress and distress it causes me. My boyfriend's brother thinks my boyfriend should just tell me to knock it off and tell me how things are going to be. Thankfully, my boyfriend understands OCD better than his brother.

I'm all stressed out, just thinking of what I have to go through tomorrow. I just went through some stuff yesterday, after house cleaning, and I like to have several days' "rest" after such events.

Sometimes I want to just separate from people, live alone, and not be a burden to anyone. I really hate the pressure, the responsibility, the guilt, and being a burden.

I just needed to vent for a bit. It doesn't change what I have to go through tomorrow, but I feel better getting it out.