Ugh.

Mainly it's all the emotional baggage. She still gets around okay. She's 77, living without her left breast, her left lung and only 3/4 of her right lung...blames that on stripping varnish, not the two packs of ciggys she used to smoke a day.

She's an alcoholic. Travels with a bottle in her suitcase. My only surviving brother is a 55 year old hippie who is also an alcoholic, living with his alcoholic wife. My other two addict brothers died from drug use.

I've been her biggest defender all my life telling people to "save face" that my mother was strong and did the best she could after my father died and left her with four children and not a dime.

But of course after all these years of therapy and getting clearer (yikes, can you believe "this" is clearer, lol) I see that was just not true. She chose to run away and now I'm dealing with the resentment of abandonment.

She up and moved from the Northeast to FL to be closer to me. Not in a "bonding" way either. Just so I'd "take care" of her when the time comes.

I see the time is near. I am trying to deal with this resentment so it doesn't saturate this final chapter of her life and our time together with bitterness.

I "intellectually" get it. I know what to do, what to say, when to say it. I go through the motions of being the dutiful daughter, but I just don't feel it.

I want to get to a point where I think "I should call my mom and go out to lunch." Not "I HAVE to call my $#@#$%$ mother." Ugh.

Big fat sigh.