Hello Sundance,

There could be different reasons for what you're feeling, but I can relate to those feelings. It sent chills through me to read what you wrote. It was a lot like how I felt just before admitting out loud what I denied even to myself for so many years -- there was a memory I kept denying, telling myself I was making it up. I wasn't. It was real and it was really hurting and I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and have been through a lot of treatment for it. I needed a lot of support when I finally admitted to myself what had been done to me as a small child. Part of that process was confronting the knowledge I had at too young an age to have gotten it any way other than being victimized. I don't want to project my experiences on to you -- what you're feeling could be for different reasons. But my best advice to you is the same either way. Stay close at these times to those you feel you can trust and lean on (this is a bit odd for me to say, because I'm not very trusting myself and have had to work hard to accept other people's help.) I've also worked to get to a place where I accept my feelings for what they are, even when they're scary. As real as memories can feel, I can find safety for myself today. One last thing I'd suggest, to be patient and gentle with yourself, especially at this time. You are not alone.

Be well,

mtd