Well, saw my T today and I didn't have such a good session. First he was running late I didn't get in to see him until fifteen minutes after the set time. Then we did talk about my attorney situation and he was supportive but ofcourse had not real answers. I also talked about his question that started this thread and I explained that I usually do know sooner than others that something is not right and if anything by the time I convince others, I am in the thick of it and the others just expect me to be the one to fix it.

I was actually disappointed with my therapist because he stopped the session at about 8 before the hour so basically he ran the session 20 minutes short. I pointed out that we had started late and he pretended that he didn't know and was kinda pushing me to move on. I would have prefered if he had been honest and admitted that he started late. No, he played that game that I don't like, and I can see that game a mile away. Oh the game where someone is well aware they are shorting me and behind and they smooze it over playing that it must be me. I really feel that in therapy,especially with someone like me who really is trying very hard to keep track of time and making the extra effort to get to my appointment on time so I can get as much time to let my emotional week out. With PTSD the person who has it is very aware that PTSD has a side of it where keeping track of time can be problematic. Oh I am aware of that and that being an issue I am always trying to make extra effort to track time. So a therapist who knows about PTSD and the time issue, should not play that game, it is a definite trigger. I know your going to suggest saying something, I did and he just kept playing the game I don't like. And that is not my imagination, and I am not mind reading, there are definte signs that kind of game is taking place, I know it well.

Why cant people just be honest? Is it really all that hard to repect the other person?
My T already knows I don't like that game and I really feel it is very disrespectful. It just really sours everything for me. Oh and he left me with a question, how can he help me change things. I tried to tell him that I have to talk things out and understand how the PTSD is really effecting me before I can make any changes. Maybe I should reply, yeah, how do we change my attorney playing me and my T playing that little I hadn't noticed game when I saw him looking at the start time T's are always living by time. Isn't it funny, so are attorneys. And me? I am stuck in a time warp of the mistakes of others. Change? Oh, I want to change that lie game.

I visited my mother on Sunday and I noticed that she has a garbled noise to her breathing. I just called my neice and left a quick message that I had a simple question (my neice has been appointed to taking care of my mother and confers with her mother, my bossy sister) and so I came home to a message on my machine of my sister with her ongoing condescending bossyness that I am very familiar with. I have'nt talked to my sister for a long time because she was in control of my mother and playing doctor and assuming too much and I could not play along, and with my sister, if you don't play her way, you don't play and you get a long lecture. Oh that goes way back to my childhood and I did play her game for many years, until it came to my mother's health and I couldnt play my sisters game, it wasn't right for my mom. So now I am left out of the loop of knowledge about what is really going on with my mother and what medication she is on to a certain extent. Oh I have to go to the queen herself for that.

Just listening to that long condescending message gave me a bad chemical dump. And I just cant deal with her, oh it is ok for her to interact with my child behind my back, but I can't ask her daughter a simple question without a big production or lecture. I am not going to play their game. But the problem is, I would like to know more about what is going on with my mother. Oh, it is so complicated I can't even begin posting it all here. And I haven't even talked about that part of my life here, not nice either, goes way back.

I am trying to figure out my next step to get my lawsuit on track somehow. It would have been more productive had I made a trip into the courthouse to ask questions, than seeing my T. I am not sure this T is going to be able to help me much further, I don't think he knows either. He is not a really strong person and sometimes he really looks sleepy and I am not always sure he pays attention. I am not sure he is real capable T, I do know he battles depression and I am not sure he is always really with it. I don't know what I am going to do. I never seem to find that really strong presence that just knows and does. I seem to be picking up the psychological pieces of others. For example my lawyer, he definitely has something going on, he just isn't all there either. Ugh, I am tired of picking up after others, I really am. And that is not imagined either, unfortunately, that is a reality.

Open Eyes