How on earth is one supposed to forgive when "forgive" becomes a command that we must do when we really just want to give room to that hurt and rage. Surely we must allow ourselves to be hurt and angry then the forgiveness and letting go can come with our healing. I say this only because I feel awful, like I am cheating myself when I tell myself that I forgive them because we all know that that is what we should/ought/must do..... when all I feel is hurt and pain.

I spent a long time making up reasons why I didn't have to face any of my pain because I forgave my abusers. Suddenly - no - hang on (because you have to face that pain sooner or later anyway) me first... I am hurting... go away... no I won't meet my abusers for Christmas dinner.... what a relief and release.

I still love my sister who holds me in contempt. I love my father who refuses to take his blinkers off, I love my brother who was beaten and who became a bully in turn.... but loving these people doesn't heal me... too much altruism towards the why of my abusers' actions has poisoned my self-esteem.

I am afraid of telling them all exactly what I think of them. Hmmph!

Yes, I know forgiveness comes in its time. But I am having an angry moment. I know the 12 steps and similar processes. Maybe I will go and paint my rage on canvass - but every time I do that - the painting always looks beautiful, not raw and angry at all. Strange.