Oh JD, I see what your saying. Oh I long for time off but I don't really get it, I am clearly overwhelmed and now after talking to my attorney, I can see the mistakes and I really am at a loss. I just wish there was somebody I could talk to without making trouble so I can see where he has made the errors and get a grasp of what I can do that will be the least damaging to my case. I can't believe that he was telling me that the opposing sides discovery had to be done before a court date could be set and now he is telling me the complete opposite. I just don't get this guy at all. And I am trying to find my way. Yes, I should be getting a new attorney somehow, but now I can see that my filing isn't right and the way it is written, no wonder any attorney wouldn't want to take on the case. And I don't know if they file the depositions where my attorney admitted that he made a mistake and it wasn't a dog barking that caused the damage but a dog actually running laps around my horses and scaring them into a wild frenzy. And then when I asked him about the court setting a date he didn't know and then I asked him if it might already be set and he didn't know, he had to check my file and see. What on earth?

Hey I am trying to pace myself but I am overwhelmed. And as far as me calling my mother's doctor? Oh I tried that a long time ago and that really created a bomb to go off. And I don't even have the name of my mother's doctor. Any time I get near asking questions, my sister blocks it and she can be so incredibly condesending and controling and she wont let me stand up to her, she just hangs up on me. From being at PC for so long I have recognized that my sister has Social Phobia and I just happened to look it up and read about it and it describes my sister to a T. And my sister can be mean when she wants to as well. Actually my mom gets annoyed with her and even fears her a bit.

I feel so helpless when it comes to that situation because my sister is saying I am crazy.
Oh, she really planted some bad seeds while I was in the psychward. My sister is a know it all and she was convinced my mother had demencia. I used to let my sister have her way all my life and I couldn't do that when it came to my mom. Unfortunately, my sister has won in her control over that. And I have not been able to fight that fight because I truely can't be around her, she triggered me to flash back in front of my mom, and I could not even talk. Oh it was devestating to me because all that did was to serve my sister's opinion that I am crazy.

I wish my sister could visit my therapist so he could set her straight, but she would not want to give up her weld of power. I just was not prepared for that long condescending message on my answering machine from her. I was literally flooded with chemicals from that and that is exhausting. I am trying so hard JD and I even drove around today trying to find hay for the winter and I am getting nervous because this was a bad year for hay.

It is as if everything is just a mountain and I have been trying to remain calm and take it one day at a time. But I don't really get a day off, I have to care for my animals and I am constantly running for hay and trying, and trying to make money and my season is just running out. This weekend they are predicting a storm and I need it to be good weather, it was until the weather forecast tonite. Right now it is not set, it could go out to sea. I usually try to ignore the weather early in the week, but I had to see it to see if I could leave them out tonite.

I am also working on trying to sell my Mustang too. I love him and I don't want to sell him but I really need money for the winter. My daughter has called a trainer and there may be someone interested so I have to wait and see. I am trying to just be as rational as I can, and I guess as long as he goes to the right owner and gets an opportunity to shine his talent, I will have to put my faith in God for that. I pray all the time, I am trying, and I am just trying to do one day at a time.

And I have to admit that I don't like the fact that my attorney has my medical records that are so wrong. It is like he has some of my history that is so very private, I don't like it JD, and the whole thing creeps me out. I want to go back to that psychiatrist and therapist who misdiagnosed me and correct their wrongs. I don't like that I can't do that.

When I took my dogs for a walk this morning I just stood there thinking, my God, what a mess my neighbors negligence made of every part of my life, everywhere I look. I see it from the first minute I get up in the morning and I am so emursed everywhere I look.
I am trying very hard to push in the right direction and this PTSD does get in my way, oh God I have been trying so hard. And I DO have to fight, I look at every nook and crany and I have to push through this. My husband is just not smart enough to do it, I am it, I am always it JD. I am not catastophizing this, even my therapist sees it and he is overwhelmed because he cant help me. He cant take away what is real and he just cant wrap his brain around the crap I have been through. He definitely believes me, he just cant believe I have been through so much hell. I can see his frustration. It isn't about dealing with the past, he see's that I have to deal with too much now and he knows that it isn't fair to me either. And I am not sure having a male therapist is the best because men are fixers and I truely think he is overwhelmed by me and what I am stuck in and I think I tire him out because he can't grab onto anything either.

My therapist is not a strong man, as I said he deals with depression so I don't think I am very good patient for him as I am really dealing with things are exhausting. I am not just a patient that is dealing with a past PTSD, I do have some ongoing things that leave him speachless. He feels that my case should be won, and he feels that the opposing side will probably do the norm which is wait until just before the court date and see if they can settle for 1/3 of the sum. And when he said that today, well thats not really fair either. Oh, I really hate this system JD. I definitely fell down a hole and I am in Alice in wonderland.

Ugh, one day at a time, today was not so great.

Open Eyes