Thank you both. Yeah road runner i get mad at such things as well cuz it's like not many understand, and if my thoughts could just drag me out and be happy it be nice. It could be with t it's just a precaution like if ppl could but sadly i'm not one that can. I'm odd though cuz my dad use to tell me "good positive thinking can go a long way" i still keep hold on that, it's hard to remember or except when blue but still with his sayin to me as a child i try to keep hold even if it doesn't work 100%

Forever yeah- i can try to appear happy and force me to do stuff but then i feel fake inside or like you say feel dead inside. It's an awful feeling.

Sigh i talked more on meds but i just worry meds wont help that much or do more damage than good to other parts of me. I see a new pdoc cuz i didn't care for the first one i saw but That's in december ! Part of me wishes it was sooner especially with the holidays coming, and even thou this october i've tried hard not to be sad- still am at times, feel chaotic in my head :-| but thank you guy. Yeah i'm recently accepting it's brain chemicals. I still feel weak thou