I'll start off with saying this is really just a thread for me to rant aimlessly. I don't know if that's allowed or not (or if it's even in the right category), but I'm willing to chance it.

I was doing well. I've been tracking my moods almost daily for the entire month of October. I was socializing. I was sincerely, genuinely happy and effervescent, and not worried that it was all a fluke. I would have a low moment for about an hour or two for completely logical reasons, but other than that, I was perfect. No weird outbursts, no unexpected mood changes, nothing. I was even more active than usual, and more focused on my studies. I was driven, confident, and unstoppable. For an entire month, I hadn't shed a tear. I didn't self harm. I didn't bother to look for that therapist my GP recommended months ago because I didn't need it. I didn't take my vitamins because I was "invincible", so to speak. And even throughout my now obvious episode, I never thought that it would end as abruptly as it has.

Now, I feel completely empty and alone. I went to my class with a confident smile on my face, and left feeling horrible. I was sick last week so I had to miss a class, and no one noticed or commented. Keep in mind this is a pretty tiny class which averages about 8 or 9 people, and I've been attending pretty much all the classes since August. So yeah, that stung a little.

And on top of that, the one person I had managed to become "friendly" with was gone today. After two hours of failed or interrupted attempts at socializing, I wished I could crawl into a hole.

I can tell I'm relapsing. "Relapsing into what?", you ask. Well, I'm not sure. All I know is I'm feeling really crappy and the tears are preparing for their debut. I no longer feel awesome. I feel like a loser. I feel exactly like I did when I was in middle school. I don't want to go through this personal hell again. I don't. I'm scared.

And since I've spent most of this month on an incredible high I've never experienced before, I'm pretty sure I've got all sorts of lows waiting for me. I just hope this is a fluke, and I'll wake up tomorrow feeling incredible again.