Thanks Rose,
I know that there is not too much anyone can really say. I just needed to put the anger somewhere. I don't know how or what to do with it anymore. It seems like we cannot pretend it isn't there because it is there, and I guess that would be holding it in someway, maybe that is what I did before, but just didn't realize it. I tried to forgive in my past and I had no idea that I was only storing things that were going to come out with all of this, that really is a puzzle to me, never thought that would happen.

From what I can tell, the things that come forward are things I never really resolved or had real closure to. I cant just lay down on this, I can see that because that would just add to the list of nonclosure emotions in my brain. I would like to meet with the psychiatrist and therapist and go over my records for closure. And if I had met the opposing attorney under other circumstances we would probably like each other and if I was able to tell her how much this has really hurt me and why I chose not to include the mental stress, she would probably feel bad, she doesn't strike me as a bad person, however her job is for the insurance company and finding a way not to pay. I wouldn't be good at that job, not if I felt the claim was justified.

It is hard to play this game and not just say what I feel, what is the truth and how much it had cost me and is still costing me. This system is so black and white and doesn't have emotions to it.

I don't know why this was laid at my feet, what I am supposed to learn from this, I try to think of the positive, kinda hard to do when I look at the animals that just look so different now, lost all the muscle because they cant do much, not the happy healthy animals I had before all of this. I am not that kind of person who just looks at them as things or dollar signs, they really meant a lot more to my life than just a job, but that is not included in this case.

I have to work the Mustang to get him ready to show, thats going to make me get attached to him more, oh he loves me and trusts me, I am not good with this. They don't really understand you know. He knows that I helped him because he was so thin when I got him and frightened and his teeth hurt. I just loved him, and thats what he likes. I just hope that when that person comes to see him I will see someone that I really feel will be a good mommy to him, he is the kind that likes to have a mommy and be cuddled. My husband worked him today and told me how good he was and then followed him around like a puppy in the ring with no lead, thats my boy, hes a good horse. It was my dream to keep him and have him trained under my control to reach his full potential, but I know thats not an option now. It just once I sell them I have no control over what happens to them and I know they get upset and dont understand. Mustangs are very loyal and smarter than the average horse, they are the iberian horses that run free in the wild. I never thought I would own such a beautiful black beautiful spanish looking horse with big black eyes that are the kindest eyes I have ever looked into.

I am tired and I just gotta dig real deep and find my way past all of this. I just wish it didn't have to take so long.

Thanks Rose for caring, means a lot because I really don't have anyone to talk about this with, just here really.

Open Eyes