I recently finished the book "Get Me Out of Here". There's a chapter where the author discusses her hatred of being female, and I keep thinking about it. I think about how I feel treated by others, and how it affects my relationships.

As a kid I wanted to "be a man", I hated everything having to do with "femininity", dolls, pink, dresses, make up, crying and rebelled against them. I am still uncomfortable with people crying, it freaks me out. And I hate dresses.

As an adult when a male ex cried, I felt caught between embarassment, because he was crying, he was a man crying, wanting to comfort him, wanting to help him get what he needed, but wanting to stand my ground with my needs. When I cry I feel humiliation and shame.

I hate that women are derided for the stereotypes of being "feminine". That it's mocked and considered weak.

I hate that whenever you see a woman, you praise or deride her beauty, but with a man, you praise his accomplishments or strength. What about my accomplishments? How about how strong and smart and competent I am? How bout mocking men for their unattractiveness, and beating them down?

I hate that I'm caught between trying to be tough, but not being "a b***h". That I have to sacrifice my needs for someone else.

I hated that men can do whatever the hell they want. They can be whatever the hell they want. f*** them.

I hated watching the women in my family placate the f***ing patriarch, what about our needs? Or that when I was 16 a 12 year old boy was sent along with me and my younger family members "for protection". I was the biggest, strongest, and oldest. It was up to me to look out for everyone.

I have f***ed myself over many times, by giving up what I wanted, to make others happy, both to childhood friends, male and female, and today.

I don't like pink. I don't want to be expected to be a certain way. But I want it to be ok to be vulnerable. Not to be mocked when I say "I need a hug". Not to be judged just based on my physical appearance. I want someone to love me for who I am, not just tell me that I have "a pretty face". I want to be valued and respected in society for who I am. I want to do what the hell I want without being expected to sacrifice. And I don't want to measure up to a f***ing man.

I am f***ing fed up with this s**t.