Quote:
Originally Posted by hahalebou
I'll start off with saying this is really just a thread for me to rant aimlessly. I don't know if that's allowed or not (or if it's even in the right category), but I'm willing to chance it.
I was doing well. I've been tracking my moods almost daily for the entire month of October. I was socializing. I was sincerely, genuinely happy and effervescent, and not worried that it was all a fluke. I would have a low moment for about an hour or two for completely logical reasons, but other than that, I was perfect. No weird outbursts, no unexpected mood changes, nothing. I was even more active than usual, and more focused on my studies. I was driven, confident, and unstoppable. For an entire month, I hadn't shed a tear. I didn't self harm. I didn't bother to look for that therapist my GP recommended months ago because I didn't need it. I didn't take my vitamins because I was "invincible", so to speak. And even throughout my now obvious episode, I never thought that it would end as abruptly as it has.
Now, I feel completely empty and alone. I went to my class with a confident smile on my face, and left feeling horrible. I was sick last week so I had to miss a class, and no one noticed or commented. Keep in mind this is a pretty tiny class which averages about 8 or 9 people, and I've been attending pretty much all the classes since August. So yeah, that stung a little.
And on top of that, the one person I had managed to become "friendly" with was gone today. After two hours of failed or interrupted attempts at socializing, I wished I could crawl into a hole.
I can tell I'm relapsing. "Relapsing into what?", you ask. Well, I'm not sure. All I know is I'm feeling really crappy and the tears are preparing for their debut. I no longer feel awesome. I feel like a loser. I feel exactly like I did when I was in middle school. I don't want to go through this personal hell again. I don't. I'm scared.
And since I've spent most of this month on an incredible high I've never experienced before, I'm pretty sure I've got all sorts of lows waiting for me. I just hope this is a fluke, and I'll wake up tomorrow feeling incredible again.
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Oh boy, can I empathize, but let's try to step back for a second and look at this okay?
It sounds to me like you have several factors going on here, but none of them - even in combination - are really that bad when viewed from a different perspective.
Let me assure you that I am *not* minimizing the disappointment that you feel. Disappointment sucks, but it does not predict the end to happiness. It's an emotion, and usually a transient one at that.
You've been sick correct? Despite the social pressures going on right now, how does your body feel? healthy? strong? It takes much longer to fully recover from illness than people realize, especially with the pressure to get back to "life" as fast as possible. If you are still in recovery then that is likely contributing to how you feel now.
People are people, they can be callous, forgetful, take others for granted and all that good stuff. Just because your absence wasn't acknowledged doesn't mean it wasn't noted. IMO what really matters is how you feel when you are in the class. Yeah, it would have been very nice to hear someone say "hey glad you're back!", but well, that's people for you. I doubt there was any ill intent.
One thing I have had to learn and learn, and the re-learn again is that just because something good has happened, does NOT mean that something bad is bound to. Good is not causal of bad. I can't live my life waiting "for the other shoe to drop" so to speak.
I would let yourself "be" for awhile and try not to attach any judgements at all to the way you feel. This is simply a "time" this doesn't have to be the "end". Allow your body the space to come back to strength and you will.