Well, if I had enough knowledge I would do this myself. It wouldn't be the first time I have had to take the bull by the horns and do things myself. I am actually better off that in the beginning it took time because I would not have faired well as I was too traumatized and it took me a while to be able to just look at it and try to calmly put it all together. It took time for me to be able to have the capacity to allow myself to recognize how badly damaged so many of them really were, it just took a while to believe that it was really that bad. I don't know how to explain it but I had so many injured in different ways that it just kept coming and it was hard to see how bad it really was. It is not like anything I ever would have thought about happening, it was beyond me.

I still look at it all and I can't believe all the different kinds of injuries that this presented in the different horses and ponies. And I truely could not wrap my brain around it. But I did slowly put it all together and after I did that, I still couldnt believe how bad it really was. And as I was putting it all together and trying be brave, I was also losing business and watching that fall apart too. I made sure that I looked at all the time line and I had to get a mindset that was somehow able to put aside the emotional response by putting it all together. And it was so hard to control the anger too.

In therapy I filled the room and I was letting out so much, so very much that I know I overwhelmed my therapist. And I realized that I somehow need to repeat it all in a way that lets it out and it is a constant question, can you believe this and that and this and this and that was bad too and oh that was really bad and oh look at all of this. Yesterday in therapy my therapist asked me if he was helping me and he wanted me to think about how he could help make a change. And I didn't like that because I haven't been ready for that or it processed in my brain as a yes I hear you but you have to hold it in and change. And when I go see him I need that time to talk and let things out, put it out there so I can have him see it all with me and the problem is that I am in this situation with my lawyer that is adding to the look at this I can't believe this and that along with I am trying to process that and yet something bad is happening now too.

I have been searching for a break, it seems to be something that is a constant and it isn't about a vacation or a day off. It is my brain saying enough adding, resolve please? I am actually being traumatized by my attorney and his foils and I am once again on the line of disbelief and trying to get my brain to see this too. And along with this I am seeing the bills and animals and still in it in every way. So it has become a constant add this and this and this. And at the same time my brain is trying to step back and grasp it all. It is so much for Open Eyes to fix and handle and Open Eyes is trying really hard and Open Eyes needs to have some kind of presense that will give her a break, but it just isn't there. In other words it just keeps coming and I can't run or hide or break from it. And now just sitting back and trying to process my attorneys mistakes as well, I can't believe it, it is a bit much to be honest.

When I think about the PTSD and all the aspect of it that I am trying to learn and the fact that I have to address this reality, I am doing double time or actually tripple time.
And the more I see it is very hard because all that time that I was just trying to find a way to process all the damage that really continues, more damage was being presented by my attorney. So I have been trying to now look at something new and to be honest I have to again somehow wrap my brain around this to a point that says yeah this is bad too, it is not imagination, it is not anything you were prepared for or could have imagined, someone else is taking an already bad ongoing event and making it worse.
And I am not catastrophizing it, it is real. I almost wish I was imagining it and there was that person that comes forward and says, its not what you think. But thats not happening, it not even that suspicion, it is actually going back again and tracking something else bad that was also happening while I was trying to wrap my brain around all of it. And what that does is add to the feeling of being violated over and over and not even getting a chance to just process and recover.

It is really creepy to be honest. It is a kind of feeling that I could not trust anyone to be responsible and all I do is pick up pieces. My brain is tired of that, it needs to find a way to stop the damage from continuing. And I have to find a way to do this even though I have crippling PTSD. And I am stuck in spot of being frightened and trying to see a path and trying to keep myself together. It is very hard, very challenging.

Now, one would think that this is the PTSD talking. But lets just think about the fact that the year before all this happened I had a colonoscopy where I got injured and had to experience something I never imagined, so many doctors leaving me hanging, that was hard to process in itself. And that is not imagined and not catastrophized, it was unfortunately very real. And the year that I was going to experience something even worse with my neighbor, I was starting off that year just trying to put that whole colonoscopy thing in its place, and it was such a process where I was really caught off guard, but I had decided that, ok, done move forward.

And then I had to endure seeing everything I had worked for destroyed beyond anything I could comprehend. And I wound in a psychward that presented a whole set of mishaps itself. And the different therapists and psychiatrists that also made mistakes. And then I am trying to put even that into perspective and I find a therapist and start seeing him so I can figure out what this PTSD is and the next thing I know I am listening to a man who tells me he is a recovering heroin addict, has narcissistic tendencies and he is behind the scale for maturity. Ok, common. I don't even know if this guy is really credentialed because he also told me he was a habitual lier. And I could not get him to write a letter to my GP so I could get my perscription for clonazapam refilled without having to go to a nurse practioner that would charge me $150 just to give me six months worth of refills. And my GP looks at these records that are wrong and I am trying to tell him they are wrong and he thinks I am crazy. And it is crazy, it is a mess, it really is.

And I am trying to trust a new therapist and honestly, I sit across from him and his eyes are so tired and he is battling depression and I honestly don't know what to think. And I am trying to give him the benefit of doubt. And I have an attorney that has something wrong with him, and I AM NOT IMAGINING ANY OF THIS. Ok, something has to give here, honestly. And anyone would think that I am the crazy one, because how could all of this be taking place? I am not imagining any of this, what I am wondering is where is that person or entity that is going to see it too? I am not catastrophizing anything, I don't even get a chance to think about that, because I have to figure out what to do next. And I have to find a way to somehow disengage the chemical dumps from the PTSD that are a result of a reality that I just, well, where is the clarity going to present itself, that person that is going to be awake enough to say, ok lets do this. And there is a wisper in my mind that is saying, it just isn't going to be there, again, Open Eyes had to find her way through on her own somehow.

Open Eyes