Hi Jen,

I know that feeling only too well.

In my view, this is an assertiveness issue. We allow something to happen until it upsets us and then it's too late because we are already upset.

I always do a quick outcome analysis in these cases. I ask myself, who has lost most from the exchange? It's usually me. Anyway, the point of assertiveness is that you don't lose out in exchanges, you hold your ground.

When you said that the person had come into your office many times, I felt that it was already too much. We need to mark our ground right from the start in assertiveness and then we can relax and enjoy the fruits of our efforts. Also, if we are clear from the start we don't need to be annoyed later on, which always muddies the issues and makes for bad feelings.

I have suffered lifelong issues of suppressed anger due to unassertive behaviour and I have struggled to change it, with some success in recent times.

On the few recent occasions when I have been promptly assertive I have been gobsmacked by how easy it was and how quickly the other person backed down. It was so sweet, I almost wanted to punch the air with happiness - Yay

Final thought. Assertiveness is always about ourselves and not about the other person. It is our own behaviour which upsets us, not the other person's.

The upside is that the good feelings do come even with one successful incident, and as I said, it is very sweet.

You can do it!

Good thoughts, M