Oh Stumpy, I agree with you. I am getting more reality at PC than outside PC in that I hear people saying, yeah your right Open Eyes. I have been trying to first understand the dementions of PTSD, I really didn't have that. And just by reading your experience is telling me the reality, because I was basically thrown into one situation after another, and I just wasn't ready for seeing all the blocks that were put into place that protect the medical field and even the field of psychology/psychiatry and now law. It has really been a lot to think about.

Coming to PC and even reading your post or JD's input is very helpful because I just dont have that outside PC. And I have actually been trying since I came to PC to get a baring on the PTSD and also I have been taking a time out by just spending time here. Basically I spent a lot of time addressing the issues of other members and different articles and research etc. I basically used that as a resput from my brain so that I had something else to think about instead of just being wrapped up in myself. And I have to say that it really did help me in more ways that I had expected. It was not easy to find a good therapist and I was on my own for a while. I am actually amazed at what I did do that was good for me on my own. I actually see what I was trying to do to help myself and I am actually pretty surprised at how I was able to see enough to help myself. And even though I am not sure that my current therapist is up to speed, I do listen to him and and take time out to think about what he does say. I have been balancing myself between dealing with the way PTSD effects the brain and working around it. There is a lot to learn about it and understand. It is very hard to believe that something like this occurs in the brain and comes out totally unexpected. It really takes time to understand, it is a very complicated issue or disorder, or whatever it is. I actually feel bad for people who dealt with this before it was recognized and there was help for it. It is a very troubling disorder. And I think that I am getting a better bearing on it.
Knowledge is definitely the key, understanding it is paramont to any recovery or resolve of it.

Now I know it seems like I haven't taken action but I actually have, I actually have worked at this since it all happened and I hadn't realized that it made the PTSD worse and I was battling depression. I have had to learn what triggers are and why so much was coming forward and what were the flashbacks and why. And I have actually come a long way, I really have. Calling the attorney the other day and rattling him and not getting a chemical dump meant progress.

And I do understand what your saying about life and trying preserve my life. But I do have everyday issues that are a result of someone's negligence that I have to address.
It isn't just a matter of letting go, because that is not going to make the debt go away.
And as far as selling the horse is concerned, yes, I did come to the conclusion of what really matters and how to put things into perspective. I am not at the point where I have a real buyer with money in hand, hopefully that will come. And I dont like what I have to do but I am facing realities and I am waking away from the emotions and this is something I could not do before. So I see that I am making progress, and I have some clarity, and I also am paying attention to what JD is saying in that I have to remember that I still have the PTSD and that is going to present itself in different ways and I learn how to opperate around that. But I had to learn that first, I have learned more here than anywhere else to be honest.

One thing I really needed was a way to have validation for what has already taken place.
I have had to really work at getting that, verses people that look at me like I am imagining this, because to be honest, I couldn't have imagined all this maze of events.
And my own husband sees it now and luckily he has seen my therapist and he also knows or has exposure to people that struggle with PTSD. So he has learned that he can't deny me, he has to see the reality and help me with it. That was very important for me to have that happen. Because before I was able to get him up to speed he was fighting me and actually allowing things to happen that were very bad for me. If anything, getting him to recognize that I am really trying very hard and how things effect me, oh, he is slowly learning to work with me and if I get a chemical dump or he pushes and I get into that anger spot that comes from the PTSD, he is learning to back off and help me instead of pushing and making it worse for me. And that has been so helpful, a real must for me to get any forward momentum.

I am just beginning to get to that point where I can try to make efforts to see realities and begin to take steps. I have done a lot of the work, I did all the discovery and all the facts are in place, and that took a while. And it is a good case, it is just that my attorney for reasons unknown has fumbled. I am only just beginning to look at that and see where he fumbled and call him on it. Unfortuanately he is most likely fighting some kind of age related dimentia, or something that is interfering with his capacity to do his job. And I don't know exactly what it is but I am seeing the reality of it, and thats something I was again not ready to address. And I am trying to say, yes, another issue in my path and yes, I didn't see it but I did sense that there was something not right about him. And as far as taking action is concerned, I wanted to make sure that it wasn't me or my issues that was distorting what was going on. I am treading lightly and I just didn't want to jump into a conclusion and be my own enemy. I have been working on understanding what I have and how I have to learn to differenciate between the chemical dumps and the real sense of that catastophizing and to make sure I can not let that take over. So as far a me not taking action is concerned, I feel that it is important that I just don't act by compulsion and assumption.

Now when JD talks about stepping back, I was trying to do that, I was actually trying to isolate and work at myself by coming to PC and just letting the dust settle and getting a hold on what I have and how to control it. Yes, it has been helpful for me to just come to PC and journalize what I see and putting myself into check. Having the Byz say, hey your right, your attorney is not communicating and JD making her suggestions. That was important because that was someone recognizing I am not just spinning. And that allowed me to find a mindset to look deeper and look at the reality of the situation. Writing a letter is a good idea, but the wordage is very important, and I can't just write it in anger or acusation, that would only feed more trouble. I am starting to see a path, but I can't just run down that path, I have to study it and step back and think and make sure that I don't allow the PTSD to talk or present itself.

So it isn't just about actions, it is about the right actions. And my gut tells me to be careful and go slow because, yes, it is my case and I have to learn more about the procedure and what is truely suppose to be taking place. And my attorney saying one thing and then changing it to another thing is wrong. I recognize from my last conversation with him that what I have to do is learn how this process is suppose to proceed so I can actually see where he is messing up. And I am not sure exactly how to do that yet. I am only just looking at that, because I recognize that he truely isn't communicating with me the way he is supposed to.

I see the suggestions and I have to step back and figure it out, rationally. Yes, is isn't right, what can I do to address it effectively instead of making it worse? I am taking a time out to figure that out. And I really appreciate everyones imput and help and understanding, it has been such a saving grace.

Open Eyes