I'm blessed to have my sister in this with me. Our vulnerabilities to mom are different, so we can cover for one another.

My mom had the idea that we, just she and I, would somehow end up living together, and that I would "repay her" for all she's done for me by looking after her.

Earth to mom, "I'm barely looking after myself."

I could have added "thanks to you" after the myself, above, but what purpose would that serve? It's simple enough to offer up a substitute, and leave the guilt and shame to whoever wants it. I'm not interested, thanks.

So, we have availed ourselves of community social services for the elderly. We bring the two together, help make the best decision, and get the f*** out of there.

Third parties.

Get third parties involved. That's my absolute best advice. The dutiful daughter called the caregivers. That's a good compromise, methinks.

Doing it alone isn't ideal. My sister and I have two rules. We plan everything together, ahead of time, and we talk afterwards, until we're done talking about it.

Maybe we can help with the planning and talking? With her health problems, it could be that she suddenly goes. In your current state, your ambivalence could really be hard on you, if that was to happen before you face this. Start looking into who can help her. It doesn't have to be you doing the personal care, if it gets done.

I hope there was enough "listening" in my "fixing" to be useful.

Hugs,
Lar