I'll try to clear up some of the details, I'm sorry I came here and posted in the middle of a breakdown and I wasn't very clear. Thank you for being there, PC.

I saw her today. She wanted to negotiate how long we're going to keep working together. I was having a hard time just staying in the room, literally and figuratively. We spent the whole time talking about that one thing. At the end she told me to come back next week and let her know if I want to keep seeing her or if I want to be done.

She's talking about me seeing her for a few more months. We didn't get far in the negotiation, but I think she said 6 or 8 months. Half of that weekly, and then tapering off.

I called her and begged her to see me tomorrow or Fri. She didn't call back. A few hours later I texted her and said please return my call, please? A couple hours later she texted me back and said she can't call tonight, and she doesn't have any openings. I asked her if she would call me tomorrow, she said yes.

This isn't a surprise, and it is, all at once. Her demeanor today was harsh. I asked her twice to stop and take a breath and that I needed her to be more gentle. After the session I was losing it so bad, I was texting her and saying please tell me how to survive this and all she would say was "dbtselfhelp.com"

I know there is another side to this, I know in some ways this is what I need, but right now I'm just caught up in the huge pain of it. Thank you for offering hugs and support right now, maybe in a day or two I can talk about it in more pragmatic terms. I'm just trying to survive for that day or two right now.