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Raindropvampire · Oct 27, 2011, 03:22 AM

Some nights being all alone locked in a building gets to me. I can't quiet my mind. Around and around it goes. So I'm just thinking maybe if I get it out my mind will quiet. I'm actually hoping no one reads this because this is stupid and I have nothing to impart of value. But anyway here goes.

First thought: I'm bipolar, suffer from PTSD and NOS personality disorder(they know I'm crazy they just don't know where I fit

). My brother has a plethora of personality disorders. I just now got him into therapy. He won't see a shrink because meds are government mind control and it's how they do experiments on people. He doesn't see that believing that is a big part of why he probably needs meds. My sister was bipolar. She committed suicide when she was 23. 11 days after my 21st b-day and the day before our mother's 43rd. And the thought I can't get past is why? I got angry and sad and she just gave up and quit trying. We were raised in the same household and went through the same things. So why did she choose that and I didn't? Why doesn't my brother? What makes us different? How could we have picked such different ways to deal with our traumas? My brother lives in his head. He withdraws and goes "blank" at the first hint of a disagreement. When he does hold a conversation it is usually about how people treat him. He knows people don't like him and are plotting against him. He also has trouble showing emotion. He's barely connected to anyone in the family except me. He has conversations with others that only he remembers. His personality switches from moment to moment. He'll have a conversation with you then 5 minutes later have no memory of the conversation and accuse you of making him crazy. How did we all turn out so different? We're all screwed up but in different ways. Why? How?

Second thought: I'm guarded and emotionally detached. If it's not seething anger or complete utter hopless sadness I have no emotions. Why do I do that? How do I get past it? It's like I'm trapped in my mind like a rat in a maze. I know I put these walls up. I know I built every inch of my private hell. If I created it why can't I find a way out? How did I get stuck in this endless loop? My lack of emotion has lost me more friends and relationships than I can count. Soon it may cost me my marriage. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck and not being able to move to stop it. I lost a good friend when my sister died. Because I was so detached she concluded I didn't care about anyone. When my mom told me that I didn't love or care about my sister I didn't flinch. When she said that I talked to her the day before she killed herself and couldn't tell anything was wrong it was my fault I didn't care. My friend cried for me then said she couldn't watch this anymore and left. She hasn't spoken to me since. I did try to explain to her that my mom didn't get to me because she was a wounded animal lashing out at whatever was close to her. She didn't understand. So why don't I open up more and let people in? How do I stop being like this? How do I find my way out of my mind and express myself?

Third thought: Why did I take a job by myself that gives me time to think when thinking is so bad for me? When I'm alone my mind goes to many dark places. Places I don't want to go but can't stop. So why do I stay here? Why do I do this to myself?

Fourth thought: Why am I such a B? Just three weeks ago I ruined my brothers happy memories of our uncle. He got upset with me because I wouldn't go put flowers on his grave and I haven't been there since the day of the funeral. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. So he told me he hated me and I was just a hate filled B. So I exploded and told him if he wanted to know hate then he should crawl into my head whenever someone mentions our uncle. That the disgust and loathing I feel for that man would crush him. I told him that our uncle molested me from the age of 4 until I was about 13. Finally I was old enough that I could put my foot down that I wasn't going to be around him. That because of him most of my earliest memories torment me and cause me pain. My brother than said it couldn't be true and I was lying because he wasn't molested by him. I told him think back think hard. You were NEVER left alone with him. I made sure of it. Then he started crying and told me he was sorry. So I ruined his happy fond memories of our uncle. For what? Why did I blow up? Why couldn't I just let it go? Why do I have to always be so mean and go for the throat? Why can't I stop being that way?

These are the thoughts that are just going round and round in my head. They don't stop they are in a continuous loop tonight. Why can't I escape from my own mind?

I do think I'll print this out and give it to my shrink. I have trouble opening up with her and she tries to provoke me into showing any emotion. Maybe this will help her understand. Usually she just asks how I am and then ups my meds if I don't say fine. but sometimes in rare moments we talk.

I apologize to anyone who actually read this. Ignore this I'm just stupid and crazy. Not a good combination. I know nothing I have to say is really worthwhile but I had to get it out. Sorry.