((((Gr3tta))))

Just wanted to let you know that I am listening. I know that sometimes it is hard to figure out and sort through our thoughts and how we feel. Something that I do that might help is I make a list of my thoughts. Maybe if you make a list of the four questions you are asking yourself :

Then write under those four things what is going through your thoughts. Sometimes just taking time to write down those thoughts first then going through the lists and writing them where you feel they go in what you are asking yourself. (If you already know where they go you can just write them under each question you are asking.)

Sometimes they might even fit under more than one place and that is okay. Then after you have written what thoughts you have in your mind look at the lists that you have made and it might be easier to figure out which way to go. I know it is hard but it could give you a start. Sometimes for me my thoughts get going and it is hard to separate what I am thinking or feeling.

Sometimes seeing it in black and white makes it easier to understand. I know that I have trouble figuring out my own feelings and it is better for me to actually see them written then I can connect to the words rather than everything running inside my head where I cannot really connect to it.

As a child I knew I was never to need anything or want anything, that what I wanted did not matter or even exist because I knew better and also because I never even knew that it was possible that I could want anything. I can always seem to get what others might want because that is something I always had to know. The what I want to want or the what I should want is hard too because again that goes back to I never knew I could think in that realm.

When people hold so much power over us both past and present it makes it hard to even think in what we might or need to want, or anything. Taking back that power is important as it was never really theirs to take in the first place. Small steps and giving yourself permission to now think about the things that are important to you is so important. Listen to your gut and know that what you feel is important.

This may not give you your complete answer but it is a way for you to see your own thoughts to be able to shift through it all. You can even tear the paper up when you are done or shred it, or burn it, or whatever you decide but it is a way for you to see it in black and white without it all jumbling up inside. I know that for me it is even scary to think about what I want or should want, or what I want to want---it all seems so foreign and dangerous what I have those very thoughts knowing I was never to have them.

It is getting easier as I work through and see the lies that were ingrained. Sometimes what others want is not what we want and that is okay. We have to live with our decisions and sometimes just finding out what it is we want, or want to want, or what we should want finally gives us strength to make a decision. Always doing what everyone else wants leaves us without making ourselves happy and often for myself re-iterates the past feelings of needing or wanting anything is wrong.

I do not know if this is making any sense. I am sorry if it isn't. It is hard to bring my thoughts down this morning but I hope that maybe it can help. Just know that what you want or feel is important. Give yourself permission to take time to figure it out. Know that you are being heard and that we care. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps