I have been gone all day. I can't quite reconnect with my body. I feel as if I am floating about six inches to right, or rather superimposed over myself but a little off the side of my body. It has been like this all day, like before the teacher focused the film strip there would be a double image on the screen...Guess that is dating myself a wee bit. Beep. I asked someone to work for me but she had plans, but I found that I didn't really care. It didn't much matter if I worked or not. Had a few minutes to myself in the card shop, instead of working I wrote this on a piece of paper:

<font color=red>How do I make this go away without pain? How do I make it through today without killing myself. How do I survive? I want to smash my head against this desk, I want to hold my hand under scaulding hot water until I scream, I want to take straight pins and jab them into my arm, I want to take a razor blade and run it across my skin, running itdeeper and deeper into my flesh until I can feel and the pain blossoms deepn and pure in multi-colored flowers. I want to die the small death as I fade into oblivian for a little while. I don't want to be happy i just want to be nothing.

<font color=black>What I don't understand about this is the fact that at the time I was uncomfortable because I wasn't feeling. I was disconnected and couldn't reconnect so why would I want to fade out into nothing when I was already in a state of nothingness? This doesn't make sense.

At lunch I went to get my son from school. I decided to be late getting back to work and stood in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and chatting with the kids. When I got to work I decided that I was going to clean out the storage area at the card shop so I spent 3 1/2 hours shuffling and sorting and lifting and moving heavy boxes and organizing. I love organizing because I really do reach a state of nothingness without pain, without anger or fear or sadness. It is just getting one shelf at a time clean and organized and...logical.
Carrie