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Oct 27, 2011, 09:33 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2009
Location: Louisianna
Posts: 1,473
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Sorry in advance for the long post and any possible triggers. I made this as short and to the point as possible... For me at least... 
In short:
10 years ago after a year of therapy I was diagnosed with DID, schizophrenia, manic depression, borderline personality disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... By my t and by my pdoc. I can't recall who gave which name. I was hospitalized a year later and given the names Obsessive Compulsive, anxiety disorder and schizophrenic.
Needless to say, I don't think you can have ALL of these. So I went and saw a new doctor yesterday. He wasn't a therapist, wasn't a pdoc just a regular retired primary care doctor. He said (after my first appointment with him) that no I did not have bipolar and no I did not have DID. I didn't mention the rest of the names given since I really don't know which to believe. He said he believed I have "Anxiety personality disorder" and I have never heard of that. Has anyone else heard of this? I googled it but all I am getting is avoidant personality and I don't think that fits me 100%.
I'm hoping there is someone out there that can relate to these symptoms and maybe shed another light and another possibility. I can't imagine if someone did have all of the above things mentioned that they would be able to function and I am functioning. Not perfectly but pretty incredibly considering...
Basically in a nut shell... I've had numerous traumatic occurances in my life. I started getting blackouts when I was 4 and to start them was a traumatic event. One of the most traumatic events. My "dissociation" can range from the feeling that I am being pulled away from my body (my surroundings get further away, noises get muffled etc)to just memory loss (in like a black void while my body is mobile functioning and speaking and acting) to fainting to depersonalization to seizure to crawling on the floor screaming that I was going to die. These happen when I'm under a great deal of stress mostly but can happen any time. The more stress the more intense the blackout.
I hear voices and noises. Mostly when I'm not in a psychotic state they are just one word or two, a noise or shadows but they can get so bad that I see large animals getting hit by cars, bushes wave at me spiders crawling on me and I can feel these "hallucinations" when they are at their worst. I hear voices and noises inside my head and outside as well. They can be just something banging to someone screaming my name... Anything really.
I think I'm smarter than most people in the world. I feel like if I were born into a more privelaged family, that I would be able to fix the world with my financial influence. That I am smart enough to fix all of mankinds problems. I am paranoid of everyone. I think everyone and everything wants to get me. I am terrified of driving, Terrified of going anywhere by myself. I'm terrified of myself even. I get panic attacks all the time that range from 15 seconds to 30 minutes. These panic/anxiety attacks are terrible and I'm terrified of having them which makes it even worse.
I have a lot of phases of "mania" I don't care about my finances or things like that and just go go go go go. It's when I need distractions. I go on like 4 hours of sleep per night and am wide awake ready to move by 5am.
I obsess over everything. For years. I am terrified of the number 666 (could be because of family for this one) so much that if the odometer says those numbers I will pull the car over off the interstate and wait until it's up a few numbers. I'm afraid of sleepwalking so much I have locked myself in my daughters room, hid the knives on the other side of the house and slept on the floor by her door.
I pick at my face, my back, my fingers, my nails... All day long pick pick pick. I'm obsessed with locked doors, every door has to be locked when I'm inside. If I don't check the stove/hair straightener/coffee pot/ whatever is hot at least 2 times each before I leave for the day, I'm anxious all day and freaked out all day.
I get migraines frequently, often after the blackouts or the feelings of a blackout about to happen. My head feels like it's in a cloud often. My mood can be great but once one thing happens out of order it ruins the entire day.
As mentioned above, when something sparks an interest in me, it becomes an obsession. I will spend all day all night all week all month and all year obsessing over it. Depending on what it is but non stop thinking about it.
I'm a perfectionist. I hate everything I do unless it's perfect. I can't focus and often I will be watching TV or in the middle of a conversation with someone and out of no where I can no longer understand them. It's as if they are speaking a foreign language. The words are jumbled. It all sounds like Charlie Browns teacher from those cartoons "Waaah Waaah Waaaaah". That lasts typically up to 45 seconds before the noises start forming words again.
I get a ringing in my ear often before this happens and often before the blackouts happen. My head starts feeling heavier and things go black or I can't hear/understand what is being said.
I'm sure there are even more symptoms but these are all I can think of while I am at work. I'm not looking to be diagnosed by anyone, just looking for another view. This new doctor gave me another view and I'm thinking perhaps I do need to look in another direction than what's already been explored since it can't be everything mentioned above... Any insight into any of this would be greatly appreciated  Just any experiences of others that were similar and what you are/were doing about it and such!!! Thanks in advance!!!!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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