Raindrop, no need to apologise. Actually, I found your thoughts well written and easy to follow. I'm really sorry to hear of your sister's suicide. My own brother took that way out when he was 24 and we were very close up until then.

To me, your thoughts sound very rational. We don't suddenly find the key and have everything make sense. That old cliche about working through things really is true, and it sounds to me for the most part that you're trying to do that.

My best advice I can give to you is this: Be kind to yourself. Don't blame, cajole, criticise or bully yourself in any way whatsoever. You're going to be all right, and you should always post here whenever you think it will help. Those isolated shifts can be very lonely at times, I know.