I realized after my session that what I really, REALLY want at the end of therapy is just to believe I am "good enough". Not perfect, not without flaws, not happy all the time...but acceptable, however I am...whether I'm sad, or tired, or happy, or impatient, or whatever. I want that peace inside.

I see my children as "good enough". No matter how they feel or act in any given moment, I believe DEEPLY, all the way down in my soul, that they are exactly how they are supposed to be. They are FINE. They are good enough. Do they need to learn and grow? Yes, like all of us. But they are perfect in this moment. I want to believe that about me.

A while ago, I was really really sad. I didn't think I could ever feel better...but I knew that there were happy moments in my days...so I started narrating them to myself so I would notice them. If my child told a joke and we laughed, I would tell myself in my head "this is a happy moment". And the sadness was still there, but the happiness was there too.

So, I am trying to do that with moments of good enough. Today, my teenager had to get a filling. He was hungry afterward, so I got him something to eat on the way to school. It was so funny watching him chew with his numb face, so I made a video of him on my phone so he could see himself. I showed him the video, and I could hear myself laughing in the background of it. And I didn't think "I sound stupid" or whatever. I thought "I sound happy when I laugh". And my boys and I ALL laughed about the video and I realized it was a moment of "good enough". No judgement, no worrying about before or later. Just being fine in that moment with who I was and what was happening.

I know T believes I am good enough, although sometimes I am scared to believe he believes that (like now, actually). There is something VERY scary for me about letting myself believe that he believes that...and even scarier about letting myself believe it about myself, even for a moment.

BUT. I know from therapy that the scariest things are the things that help me heal. So, I am going to try as hard as I can to let myself believe 1 out of 10 times that I am good enough, no matter what.

I just said in another thread that right now, I don't want to be T's favorite, I want to be MY favorite. I just SO want that peace. I don't want to be my past, or the old messages I was told, or the things that happened to me. I just want to be okay, right now, how I am. I think that yesterday in session, maybe, maybe, maybe T and I opened up a tiny bit of space for that. I hope so.