i only slept two hours. I can't get to sleep now. I'm thinking too much & keep remembering the car crash last night. Like i close my eyes i see out of the fog the yellow sign & boom. I don't want to drive anymore. I'm scared. On top of it i haven't ate today anything. When i layed in bed with my boyfriend i can't sleep. I cried he held me. I feel like i don't deserve anything right now, food sleep driving happy advice from old buds. Last night i'm glad my boyfriend was around cuz i kept thinking i need to punish me for this even though i'll get enough punishment from the state. I plowed down a sign. I'm so thankful no one was around. I am & i dwelled on that already, would be in jail or the hospital if another car was around. Thank god just a sign and field.can't imagine of the horrid of hurting another like that. I'm gettin non owners insurance for sure. I am looking for winter driving classes as well. Not only cuz it'll look good in court but most importantly for safety for others and my self. I feel so stupid right now still. Earlier when thinking on what sign this was i laughed (need to make a decision not go in the middle cuz that wont work) but i still feel bad with it over all. Go through spouts of feeling nothing like i'm not here. Then through spouts that it'll be ok just car fixing court & 2 items i mentioned already. Then i remembered the last october months since '06 always oct or one in nov- bad stuff and i'm depressed. Bad stuff to which i don't control or i lost it. I started to think my boyfriend's better off with out me- i'm seeing my pattern in away not it fully but every fall really something bad happens or i lose it? fml! He pulled me closer to him when i tried to leave sleep time the last time cuz he knows i'm upset but need sleep. I just can't. And i thought why does he love me. 3 of the 6 october years he's experienced the bad with me. i don't get it. I think he'd be better off everyone better off with out me here. I seem to be a god damn plague. I hate this aspect & think it's just me.