We're in charge of how we see/interpret and what we "do" with anything that happens in our life. No, we don't "create" the hurricanes, earthquakes, abuse, car accidents, etc. that happen in our lives but they aren't "in charge" once we get to be adults anymore than dreams are in charge once we wake up in the morning. Not knowing how to help ourselves is not the same as not helping ourselves because we don't know how. The first is a problem we seek to learn how to solve and the second is an excuse.