I appreciate your sentiment, sky. I just want to stay for the record that I don't really believe my T is a "bad" T. She has made mistakes, and those cause me pain, which I come here and post about in an attempt to understand and alleviate that pain. Just reading what I have posted here, I'm sure it seems like my T is cruel and unethical.

I have also posted here about the moments of real healing and connection between T and I, but I'm sure the negative outweigh the positive.

I'm just saying that, I know my posts paint my T in a mostly negative manner, because it is those things that I need help processing, and because this place is for me, not for T.

If I was trying to paint an accurate picture of T as a therapist, it would be different. I'm not doing that, though. I am telling you guys things she says or does, and that is accurate, but I'm not telling everything simply because there is no way to write out every interaction between us. I'm here, talking about the things that hurt and confuse me, and I appreciate the opportunity to do so. I can only imagine how crazy making this would be if I was going through it all on my own.

Does this make sense to anyone? I'm just saying: the T you see in my posts is my T, and there are other parts of her that you do not see in my posts that are also my T. And there are parts of her that I don't see at all, and those are her, too.

My journey with this T is coming to an end, and I am attempting to reach that end with as much grace and joy as possible. I want to be able to look back at this time without negative feelings about T. And then, I will look for a new T, and I will make sure from the outset that it is ok for it to be long term if I need it to be. I will make sure she is experienced with trauma. I will make sure she is familiar with DBT skills, because I need to continue to hone those skills. And more than any of that, I will make sure that I don't build so much of myself in T that it is devastating to lose her. I don't want to go through this pain again. There has to be a way to learn to trust without losing myself in the process.

I have to heal what I can with T because I will carry the wounds with me forever otherwise. And I have to learn through this so I don't make the same mistakes again.