It is so awful, feeling what you feel, being convinced that there is no hope, bending under the huge weight of what keeps pressing you down. Yet even for you, living with what you live with every day and night, there can be a small slivver of light in the distance, an indication that somewhere out there is a different kind of existence. For you. But how to get to that light? Can it be done? All that distance?

Maybe you can think that there is a 1% chance at that light. Maybe 5%. How to use a crowbar to increase that to 10%? 20%? How to get nearer? Find meds that work, not the ones you've been using so far. Find a T who will work, perhaps not the one you've been using so far. Explore ECT, much better now than it was in the past.

There are ways. You do not live in total blackness. There is that slivver of light, far away. Work on it. Get closer to it however you can. Bit by bit. It's worth it. Yes, it is. You can get to that light. You can live in that light. I know you can't believe that, but it's true. Few people spend their entire lives crippled by depression. Where you are now, in that bad, black space, that sounds wrong. But it's not. You're in a bad place. There are better places. For you. In your life. Keep trying. Take care.