There's quite a lot on my mind, that's why I'm still awake at 4:30am.

The main thing at the moment though, is how incredibly lonely I am. There are nights I really miss having someone else to sleep next to you know?

It's not for a lack of trying, I've had a few serious relationships. All have failed though. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not boyfriend material. I do change when I'm with somebody but not in a creepy "I don't know who you are anymore!" way. For the better. After all, I still want to keep my personality and not become some random bloke.

I've had, what I can interpret as, potential opportunities. But never seem to have the confidence to talk to them properly. This is my eternal battle with control of my own brain cropping up once again.

Am I destined to be alone until this... thing goes away? What am I doing wrong? I consider myself to be a good person when in a relationship. A hell of a lot better than most of the misfits I see trundelling about with their underage girlfriends and 20 kids.

Welcome to my town, btw.

I can't help but sacrifice my own happiness because I'm afraid that it will all just end in tears again. In a way, this is helping me though. I've only got myself to look after and I can barely do that sometimes. But it doesn't change the fact, this might never go away. And then continuing this path, I may as well become a Monk.