I want to connect to other people but I can't, and I can't explain it. I feel a void that I can't cross. Sometimes I feel a huge hole inside me, sometimes I feel extremely needy, sometimes I just feel... nothing.

I feel like I'm there, but I'm not. Like things are unreal. I observe what's going on but I feel like I can't process the words people are saying, or follow the content of conversations. When talking to people I feel fuzzy and distant, I don't often process what they say, so I smile and nod in the right places. I guess I pick up the cues ok, but I feel like nothing is getting through. I can't answer questions because I do'nt remember what is said in conversations, so I try to redirect and let other people answer. People often seem to think I'm disinterested, I think, at least, and pull away. I just feel anxious around them and uncomfortable, though I like hanging around them. I am worried they will judge and hate or mock me.

I'll hang out with a group of people and they'll seem to get to know each other, but I'll realize I know nothing about them. I get more and more isolated because they bond and share stories of things that I know nothing about. Eventually they seem closer together and I feel more and more distant, often I give up and drift away, feeling excluded.

Other times I say things, and people just ignore me. I don't know if I'm missing the flow of the conversation, remarking on the wrong point, or if I'm saying something completely inappropriate.

On a one-to-one basis, sometimes I can manage, but only if I really trust the person, which is rare. People I talk to on a one-to-one basis say I'm a good listener. I am good at listening to personal issues, but horrible with facts and performance type stuff (work), because my memory is bad and I'm anxious. I can't make small talk because of this, I can only talk about serious personal stuff. As long as it's something I can interpret and analyze, or not get "wrong", I'm ok.

I tend to spend most of my time holed up somewhere by myself, or occasionally hang out with the odd person, because it is so stressful to be around other people. I am always worried I'll behave inappropriately, or that I'll do or say something stupid and I'll get ostracized or punished by being ignored and excluded, thus shaming me into silence.

I don't understand what happens. I don't understand how I get left out. I don't understand how people bond together.

It's not that I don't like people, or don't want to connect. I am a very affectionate, warm person. People who have gotten to know me always comment that they are surprised that I am so warm, affectionate and cuddly (though are happy that I am), or that I'm vulnerable.

The highest compliment I ever received was from an ex who told me that he loved to talk to me about stuff, because I am direct and straightforward, like a guy, but unlike guys he could tell me anything, especially emotional stuff he'd be afraid to tell guys, because I would listen without judging or mocking him. I feel like I am a cross between male and female, and wonder if that's why I can't fit in anywhere sometimes...

I guess this bothers me because I've always truly wanted to connect to people and feel such a void and lonliness that I can't. In my past attempts to be more outgoing and not wait for others to invite me out, I've tried to set up a few events within a community site that I participated, I was told that I sounded "desperate", and I didn't know what I did wrong. No one would go to anything I set up. I don't know how to organize these things. I just want to be flexible so people will be interested. I feel damned if I do...