And I tried to picture what I would do if I COULD be with T and I pictured myself hugging him, and had an "a-ha" moment...when I am with T, I AM OKAY. I'm OKAY. T sits there and reflects my okayness back to me...I know, for sure, that T loves me, that T thinks I'm okay just how I am, that he thinks I deserve caring and good things. I know that T thinks I'm funny and that he feels proud of me. And T knows my story...he is the only one in the world who KNOWS it. The only one. And he loves me anyway.

And out in the world, I know that my friends and my H and my kids love me, but they don't KNOW. And I'm left with this doubt..AM I okay? If they knew, would they love me? Would they run away from how icky and gross and sick my story is? Would they ever hug me again?

I feel like a little kid who has to check in with her parent every so often just to make sure she's safe and loved. I didn't have that growing up, but I have it now...for 90 minutes a week. Maybe it's a childhood wish...to be able to just run up to someone and get a smile and a hug and know that everything is okay and then to run back into life. THAT is what I want. THAT is why I wish T could be around all the time.