Trigger




Last night when I was getting ready for bed, I suddenly had the thought that I was going to kill myself that night. I went in to chek in on the kids, and it was almost like play acting, but I couldn't control it. I was trying to burn the memory of their sweet little sleeping faces into my brain so that it would be the last thing I would remember when I was drifting away from taking all of my pills.

I don't think I am suicidal, but this is a warning that I am getting invasive thoughts, which I haven't had for a while other than a few here and there.

I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to go to the hospital and miss Halloween with the family. I missed it last year because I was at the hospital. Isn't that weird? On one hand I am thinking about leaving them forever, and on the other hand I don't want to miss being with them for a night of fun.

It would be so easy to just give up. Just stop going to therapy (though I find the sessions healing) stop meds, going to pdoc, etc. and let the disease have me. You want to consume me, bipolar? Then take me.

I don't understand my brain, but I do know that it is firing strangely lately. I did leave a message with my T about getting an appointment tomorrow.