It sounds to me as if you know this disease is ready to take you (any one of us) the moment you do those things you mention--I.e., drop your defenses.

You've pointed out the irony yourself of wanting to be with your family for one night of fun but contemplating leaving them forever.

Finally, you've asked to meet your tdoc. You know you must.

Insist on this meeting. Print this out & show it to him/her. With this disease, you just can't play Russian Roulette and see how close to the edge you can walk. You can fall off without knowing it.

Hugs & love.