T called and we made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I have had a few more thoughts in that direction and in these thoughts it's a done deal. The plan(but I don't have a specific plan ( I don't really have a plan, it is like a projection of the future) is set and I am faintly thinking things like "By then I won't be around..." stuff like that. This is totally out of my control. My brain just does it and I am left questioning, "What did I just say to myself?"

This is the stuff that put me in the hospital last year and again in the spring.
If I told my husband what was happening, he would force me into the hospital. He doesn't understand. If he had to he would call the police to take me. I know he is just concerned, but he doesn't get it.

I have been feeing like I don't have much in my life, my kids are the exception,but lately I feel like taking care of them is such a chore. I hate to admit it, but I don't enjoy it right now, and sometimes I wish I never had kids. I think that is such a horrible thought for me to have, but lately a lot of my thoughts have been garbage.

Whatever, I am just talking on and on.