Quote:
Originally Posted by BNLsMOM
I am really sorry you went through that. It must have been scary.
Were you having thoughts on a front of the mind conscious level as in, "I want to kill myself, here are my plans, do it tonight, etc. or was it more of an uncontrollable obsessive sort of thought. I don't feel any compulsion behind it, but last time this happened, I did end up hurting myself. It went from thought to action pretty quickly, within a few days.
I definitely know that I need to talk to T tomorrow.
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My thoughts prior to my attempt were of a compulsive "I don't want to be here anymore" nature, however I did think if I want to kill myself I could take all my pills.....I was depressed for a while, then that feeling turned into numbness.
Two days prior to my attempt I told my husband I thought I might hurt myself and didn't know what to do (I didn't have a Pdoc at that time or should I say I hadn't seen him in yrs.). So he said to make appt with our family doc the next day. I told the doc I was having suicidal ideation. He gave me a script for a different antidepressant. I filled it that day with no inward intention of committing the act, however the next morning I got ready for work and looked at my work laptop and saw 25 emails to do this and that when I got to work...... It sent me over the edge, I said to myself as I deleted every single email "Nope won't be here to do that"..."nope won't be here to do this"...."shove your email up your *ss"...etc.
After deleting every email I thought "okay this is it, I can't take this life anymore". I walked to my kitchen got out all my 90 day supply bottles of pills, poured a large diet pepsi and smoked cigs while I took every single pill I had. I calmly went to bed. I had one moment of panic when my feet and hands turned ice cold and numb, but fought threw it and didn't wake up again for 5 days.
When I woke up I was completely disoriented (I was in ICU), couldn't talk because I had a ventilator down my throat, was seeing double, then was told by my family and docs that there were complications when they were intubating me and I now had aspiration pneumonia and pleural effusion of the lungs.... I was on oxygen and antibiotics for over a month!
When I was out of the hospital and went back to my family doc for the pneumonia and told him I actually did have a suicide attempt the day after I saw him he looked at my husband and said "I'm so sorry...I really didn't think she'd do it".
This is why I take SI very seriously, more so then others possibly, because having BP we can be impulsive.... What I did was impulsive, even though I had had thoughts, I had really not truly contemplated when or where or any of that....I just did it. And unfortunately many people including my family doc didn't "think" I would do it, but I did....
Sorry to be so graphic....