Jerry's gone, but he's not.

Jerry left yesterday. He said he was going to his sister's house down south. He didn't take anything with him but it's seemed that he's been packing this past week. His room is a mess, all the junk outside is still there.

Despite the fact that I wanted a clean break, he has chosen, once again, to do things the way he wants with total disregard for my wishes, my feelings and my needs. I cried my heart out all morning for him... because?? Because of a deep sense of failure and frustration; not my failure but his. All the years of hoping, loving, showing him there's a better way to achieve what he wants, for naught. For thirty plus years, I've loved the man, wanted the best for him and tried to prove it to him albeit not without mistakes.

Just like the first time we separated, it was driven home to me that he doesn't have the capacity for love, understanding of others, or compassion. Whatever capacity he had when I married him, it's diminishing daily. The only emotion he understands is anger.

It's a time for mourning. Yesterday, my heart broke yet again. Today, I feel some anger and what some have called "self-righteousness." But Total Independence keeps titillating my thoughts; thoughts that have begun to quiver, the first movements of rebirth.

My wings have also begun to quiver, testing past, known motions. The muscles may be atrophied, but the memory of flying is still there. I may have flown close to the ground, like a chicken, but someone once called me a small eagle. Eagles soon learn to soar. I might be on the old side, but fly I will, within my own capabilities. With age comes Wisdom and Wisdom brings knowing your own limits. It is my belief that the limits that our Creator has given each of us is more than enough to achieve what we were put here on Earth to achieve. Once tested, those limits have the possibility of expanding. There's a saying "If it's going to be, it's up to me!" In retrospect, that's the way it's always been in my personal life.

So... it's time to put aside a long, painful learning experience. It's time to wrap up the beautiful memories, put them in a heart-shaped box and put What Might Have Been in the Unrealized Dream Box to be stored beside the Memories box. It's time to move on with life, to shed the present shackles and time to look towards the future and the possibilities and challenges it holds.

No doubt, the mourning process will run it's course. Tears flow abundantly again, anger and frustration will rear their head and in the end, I will be glad that I had the experiences of having loved unconditionally, of having given birth to a son who holds the "my baby" place in my heart, of having raised a son that I didn't give birth to, who in my hour of need relieved so much pain and guilt with just a few simple words that came with difficulty... and to see the great differences in both; products of the same man and the same environment.