I like my therapist, she is generally very good. The problem I have at the moment with her is that I feel I'm changing how I feel to make her feel okay. She always says that I can be angry in sessions and has never stopped me saying anything, but, I don't know whether it is just me, but she never really knows how to deal with it when I do get angry. I know a lot of the time it catches off her guard, it does me, but over the past few years I've noticed that she either retaliates with words that feel as though she puts my anger all back onto me and then I feel she just doesn't want to deal with me and is kinda saying 'this is your problem, not mine', ...or she withdraws and just tells me the same thing over and over again, e.g. that she is here for me, that she is listening etc - but the problem is I know she isn't there for me or listening because she doesn't seem able to remember bits of my life that I'm dealing with, she doesn't offer any real words of comfort, like 'i know you have to such and such tomorrow, and although I know you are angry at me right now, I want you to know that I'm not angry at you and I will be thinking of your tomorrow'. All I get is, 'you feel alone and can't believe I'm here with you in all this', which is true, I don't believe she's with me in it but that statement makes me think 'okay she is there, it is just that I am completely stupid and can't feel it' and then that means that I'm not allowed to keep telling her I'm alone because I'm apparently not. So I don't say how I feel and nowadays I give up trying to explain it to her, I've tried in the past to tell her that her words are just words to me but nothing changed.

Maybe this is just how it will feel for this bit of therapy, maybe it'll change, but right now I'm in the exact place I've been with lots of people before, I'm talking, crying, telling her all my secrets and not feeling as though I get anything back. No words that make sense, no change to really take pride in - i feel more alone than ever. I know how I feel right now, similar to other times in the past, I will soon just give up and be whatever she wants me to be.