I want to disappear. This stuff, this therapy stuff, the life stuff, the understanding what I'm supposed to do stuff . . . . . . it's all confusing and doesn't make any sense. . . . . . . . I kind of understand some of the stuff that T tells me but when it comes to doing it, I just don't seem to have the strength or the conviction to believe in myself to do it . . . . . . I'm a lost soul . . . . . . I should change my username to "idiotic songbird without a brain" . . . . . great, here comes the pit again . . . . . . why can't I stay above water? . . . . . . I think my T is getting really frustrated with me and he's pushing . . . . . . . I guess I should tell him that . . . . . . then he'll abandon me and I will be all alone . . . . . . life sucks . . . . . . I am so frustrated with myself I could just tear my hair out . . . . . why am I so reistant? . . . . . what could I possibly be holding onto? . . . . . I just want to disappear from life and start over . . . . . . . I feel like I've made one mistake after another and I know it isn't true but I feel like that any way. . . . . . . I'm okay in the mornings but not in the afternoon or night . . . . . . . I wonder if it's my meds? . . . . I take that one at noon . . . . I don't know . . . . . . . just totally frustrated and beside myself . . . . . . don't know what to do . . . . . running away sounds nice . . . . . . floating away into the clouds . . . . . no, hiding in the tall grass of the meadow so no one will ever see me . . . . . . .