Maybe "want" isn't the word so much as "expect"? Or what would be the verb in repetition compulsion, where you (that is, I!) keep setting up the same situation, hoping this time it will turn out differently? On the other hand, you DON'T want it to succeed, so you can say to yourself, that proves it, I was right. I was thinking about this at the bus stop last night, oh, re the do we create our own trauma thread. I was CONVINCED that everytime something good happened, something bad would follow. T's called it magical thinking. I had proof. They said I was setting it up myself. Who would do such a thing? Well, it has stopped since I stopped "conferring" with my mother. I am starting to be able to enjoy my little successes - as long as I keep them very very tiny and quiet...