Quote:
Originally Posted by BNLsMOM
Outside of myself, mypdoc and my T, I am so alone in this bipolar thing. I am currently in the middle of a "secret" depression because everyone else in my life don't want to hear about it. This week I have spent entire days in bed with the exception of going to pick up my kids and making them lunch. I had to cancel my T appointment this week because my son was sick. He isn't old enough to be home alone for an hour+, and I didn't want to drag him out and make him wait in a waiting room with the way he was feeling. I spent that morning in bed, and then I went to pick up my youngest, dragging my sick guy in the car with me, we headed home, I made lunch, and went back to bed. Did it today too. I am beating myself up for it because I know I am not supposed to do that. I am supposed to use my coping skills that a bunch of people have been spending their time teaching me.
My mother asks if I am OK and I say yes. She likes to get into long detailed discussions when I feel bad and I just want to avoid that.
I tried to share with my husband how my week has been going. I said, "I am really sucking wind this week." Before I could elaborate, he was right on my answer telling me that I am fine. I shut right up because I get really angry when someone tells me how I am feeling unless I ask for that kind of help.
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I used to make excuses for my depression and "bed days". For example I would say "I think I'm coming done with something..." or "I feel a migraine coming on and just have to rest in a dark room" or "I think I have a stomach virus". You get the idea---I had a myriad of excuses. Now I've stopped doing that. I am trying to come out of my depression the best I can with therapy, medications. coping skills etc., but sometimes my progress is slow and inconsistent. (Lol, is anything ever 'consistent' with BP?). Anyway I'm doing what the docs tell me but sometimes I still spend a a day or two in bed. Before it was a week in bed, sometimes longer. I wish it didn't happen at all, but it does. Maybe sometime in the future it won't happen. I do try to have hope. For me it seems my acceptance of low-energy days makes me recover more quickly. I just accept it. I've lost the guilt. My husband doesn't badger me about them anymore because he has learned more about BP and in a way I think he appreciates my honesty more than the cover-ups. It is what it is. People don't make excuses for having cancer... Don't beat yourself up. It is difficult for family members to understand, and it does take them awhile but it's my experience that they eventually come around even if they don't entirely understand mood disorders. Does your mother know your diagnosis? If she does and she still wants to get into details (and you understandably don't) maybe you can give her a book about BP to read. Maybe tell her honestly you don't have the energy for a detailed discussion. For me the key has been learning about and accepting my diagnosis, (that wasn't easy) and educating my family members about it.