I've compeltely lost the will to make any progress, to find a new T, to try and sort out these thousands of leauges of weights above my head.

I've got no drive, no happiness, no NEED to want or even bother with getting better.. I've got off my meds now as it was leacing the same but just turning me into a Zombie. Yes they have thier positivies, but those are just brief and not memorable for me..

I don't understand, I spend a lot of my life happy, I have friends, I have an amazing girlfriend (who i could kill sometimes), I have a job.. And yet here I am moaning and wallowing in self pity, because I can't manage to sort my sodding life out and get on with it.

Why the hell am I such a mess..
How did I get here ?
I don't really know, I've lost a lot of people recently, and the loss I think is whats really taking its toll on me.. The fact i'll never see them again.

**********************************Graphic (ish) story.. re: the death of my closest friend.. possible trigger ***************************

Something I really need to get off my chest as its been eating away at me relentlessly for weeks now..

I was in a convoy with my friend going down the road, I should have beein in front, however as I'd decided to carry my friends in my car, He wen't ahead of me. It was a clear day, no rain or anything.. I was a good 50 meters behind my friends car.
I didn't actually realise what happened when it did as my reaction was completley automatic.
As we came up to a viaduct passthrough we where both in lane one, when suddenly his car swerved to avoid something and ploughed straight into the central archway of the viaduct. Car VS several hundred tons of brick, needless to say the bridge won. Richard died on impact.
We believe he may have swerved to avoid something, but none of us will ever know. His car had to be cut into several pieces to get his body out..
He was on his way to meet his girlfriend, and his first day at his new job, which he was so proud of getting..
Since that day, I have been feeling guilt, and not just guilt. Its that guilt that feels like acid has replaced your blood, but has been made to cause you pain without killing you yet.
I should have been in the front of the convoy, and I should have been the car without anyone else in. WHY was it not me.. He had so much, and has now lost so much. I don't have anything to loose, not that many would care.