I can be okay for a while, but then the emotions come surging back and I'm doing impulsive things. Granted, they are not the impulsive things I used to do, like SI and OD, but still. Impulsive.

And after a while, when I feel so worn down from crying and so worthless and stinging from real or imagined rejection and abandonment, I start lashing out.

I texted my T a while ago and said: So sick of crying. I wish I could be suicidal because at least then I'd have a way out, but I'm not. Just have to live and hope for better days.

And she wrote back and said something about how she thinks better days are coming or something, and she likes the new plan.

So I wrote back and said: You would like it. I effing hate it.

And then I wrote again and said:
I think maybe you should block my texts. And phone calls. Maybe email, too....

I totally get why I said that, because I don't want to text her but then things build up and I feel like she is the cause of all my pain so why *shouldn't* I share the pain with her? Screw her and her weekend off.

At the same time, I know that is a drain on her. I have tried blocking myself from being able to text or call her, but that doesn't work. I really think it would be so much easier if she would just block me so I would be forced to find another outlet.

But god knows what she thought when she read that text. God knows what her reply will be, or her reaction, but really there is no way she could respond to that would make me feel better.

I just wish I could erase her from my life and my head and most of all my heart. It would be so much easier if I could just forget her.