I would strongly recommend you get a pdoc and a t asap. It's OK to have the feelings you are having and you get to decide whether or not to take meds and how to approach your treatment. You sound like you feel overwhelmed and that's usually a sign that it's time to ask for help. Just remember YOU are the one in control of what happens, you can choose your doctor and your therapist and you can be as involved as possible in your treatment plan. It took me 10 years to finally get help and I am SO glad I did. I have noticed so much improvement since starting meds and working in therapy.