Yes I most definitely understand. It's like I am afraid of feeling anything other than what I've been feeling. I have become comfortable with being Depressed because that's all I've known for years. Once I start to do better & think things have finally started to change...I always find some excuse to go back. I hate that I do this because I only continue to feel stuck, lost, & most of all unhappy. If I really don't want to feel this way forever why is it so hard to just stop the self sabotage? Why cant I continue to keep my self in a safe place in my head & be ok? I've done it before...why can't I stick with it? It almost makes me feel like I enjoy the Depression when in actuality I absolutely hate it, but people on the outside looking in don't see it like that.